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MATRIMONIAL TIFF 



3farce in ®ne Bet 
(Adapted from the German) 



BY 

HAROLD SANDER 



Copyright, 1914, bt 
DICK & FITZGERALD 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGEKALD 

18 Ann Street 



^ 






^n o-^' 



A MATRIMONIAL TIFF. 



CHARACTERS. 

Uncle John Elsie's uncle 

Henry The husband 

Elsie The wife 

Time. — The present. Locality. — Any City. 

Time of Representation. — One hour. 

COSTUMES. 

Costumes of to-day. Elsie wears apron at rise. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, 
R. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; d. c, 
door in center of rear flat ; l. d., door at left, r. d., door at right 
Up means toward rear of stage; down, towards footlights. 



TMP96-00O635 



JUL -7 1914 

g)C!.D 37481 



A MATRIMONIAL TIFF. 



SCENE. — Neatly furnished room ivith doors c. of rear flat, r, to 
hall, and l. to kitchen. Window e. Armchair r. at window. 
Table r. on which there are newspapers. Table l. witJi 
books, sewing material, ladies handkerchief, pepper and 
salt cellars, basket ivith knives and forks, soup-ladle, spoons, 
also wine and water bottles, and bread. Dinner table c. 
with plates, napkins, glasses, and spoons. Soup-tureen and 
meat dish off stage. Three chairs placed about table c. 
DISCOVERED uncle sitting at window reading paper. 

ENTER Elsie l. d. 

Elsie (talking toward kitchen). No, no, Fredericka, stay in 
the kitchen. I will set the table. Do not put too much salt in 
the soup, and be very careful that the meat does not burn. 
(To UNCLE as she sets the table) You must excuse me, my dear 
uncle, for leaving you alone all this time, but you see a house- 
keeper has so much to do. 

Uncle (rises and puts aivay paper). You didn't think 

Elsie. That I would find housekeeping so difficult, were you 
going to say? That's so, but I'll take pleasure in overcoming 
these difficulties. I am the happiest woman in the world, my 
husband loves me so dearly, he is so good and gentle — oh, the 
salt is missing — he will never make me unhappy, he has 
promised me this — and there is no pepper. 

Uncle (handing her the pepper and salt cellars from table l.). 
Here is 

Elsie (takes pepper and salt cellars and places them on 
dining table). Oh, yes, when one person must oversee every- 
thing, something is bound to be overlooked. I must hustle, my 
dear uncle, as Henry may be back from the office at any 



J. A Matrimonial Tiff 

moment and I surely cannot delay our first dinner. (Arranges 
napkins) 

Uncle. Can I 

Elsie. Help? Thank you, uncle, but setting a table must 
remain a story for men, and a duty for women — or — would 
you like to wear an apron? Oh, dear, I can't fold this napkin 
fan-shape, and I have the reputation of folding napkins per- 
fectly. 

Uncle. You have 

Elsie. Creased them too much already; you're right there. 
The more hurry, the less speed. There, now that's finished. 
(Takes wine and water hottle from taMe l. and places them on 
dining tahle) I'll place the water bottle here and the wine 
bottle at Henry's place. (Admiring table) Now everything is 
finished nicely — oh, heavens, the knives and forks are missing! 
(Goes to table l. for knives and forks) 

Uncle. Let me 

Elsie. Get them? Don't inconvenience yourself, uncle. 
(Places knives and forks on dining table) I have them al- 
ready. But you could do something for me, would you please 
cut the bread? (Uncle takes the bread) Cut the slices very 
thin and let Henry have the crusts, he loves them. Oh, won't 
my husband be happy when he sees I have done my very best 
to please him. Don't you think I am an attentive wife, uncle? 

Uncle. I haven't 

Elsie. Any bread-knife? Why didn't you say so? (In her 
confusion she hands him the soup-ladle) There, take it, and 
hurry so that everything will be ready when Henry comes. 
(Puts knife basket ba^k on small table. Uncle has the bread 
in one hand and soup-ladle in other, looking from one to the 
other, nodding) The poor man, he must be very hungry. He 
has been at the office since nine o'clock, and now it is almost 
two. Well, have you finished cutting the bread? 

Uncle (business as before). No, I 

Elsie. Why not? (Sees him with ladle, laughs) What do 
you want with that ladle, uncle? Going to cut the bread with 
it? 

Uncle. I got it from 

Elsie. From me? (Laughing) Really, how confused one 
gets. That's always the way when one is in a hurry. 

Uncle. Everything 

Elsie. Goes wrong. You're right. (Hands him bread- 
knife) Here you are, now cut the bread — then everj^thing will 
be ready. (Arranging table) I can be proud of this table, 



A Matrimonial Tiff e 

everything is so neat and looks so inviting. Look at tlie table, 
uncle, and the napkins; I hemmed every one of them. ^I 
wouldn't think of praising myself, but the truth is that I am 
the best seamstress in town. The sewing machine is my 
fortune, why, I am indebted to the sewing machine for my 
Henry. Have you finished with the bread, uncle? 

Uncle. Yes, here 

Elsie {placing the cut hrcad on table and the remainder of 
loaf on table l.). Thank you, uncle. There, my dear Henry, 
you deserve the best bread. To go back to the sewing machine. 
It was on account of a sewing machine that my romance with 
Henry started. Do you remember when Henry lived in the 
same house as we did, mother and I upstairs and Henry below 
us. Every evening precisely at seven I started to sew, at the 
same time Henry began his lessons. I believe he failed in the 
earlier examinations and of course had to study harder to 
make up. He passed the second examinations very easily and 
received a city position. 

Uncle. His failure 

Elsie. Didn't make a bit of difference, were you going to 
say? I know it. But Henry studied under great disadvan- 
tages. The noise of my sewing machine running up-stairs 
bothered him, and he let us know it. Mother grew very angry 
at this and told him to find other lodgings; but he remained 
and after his final examination, he received an appointment, 
then made a proposal of marriage to me which I accepted, so 
I can thank my sewing machine for my dear husband. 

Uncle. That 

Elsie. Pleases you? I know, you are very much interested 
in us. Oh, you cannot imagine, my dear uncle, how my hus- 
band loves me. As you know we have been married since 
yesterday and haven't had the least bit of a quarrel, that is 
the way things should be and will be forever. 

Uncle. A woman 

Elsie. Is the luckiest person under the sun? Of course, of 
course, no one knows that better than I do. And do you know, 
I am very glad we were married so quickly — and some of the 
other girls are green with jealousy. For the last three weeks 
nothing else could be heard but "Is that so?" "Really?" 
" The poor man ! " " Won't he be surprised ! " As late as day 
before yesterday some of them even had hopes that our engage- 
ment would be broken. But I will get even with them all for 
their jealousy. All this afternoon my husband and I will look 
out of the window and show the others that backwardness and 



5 A Matrimonial Tiff 

agreeableness will triumph over jealousy and gossip. {The 
town clock is heard striking two) 

Uncle. It 

Elsie. Has just struck two and Henry is not here yet. He 
said he wouldn't be any later than half-past one, and now — the 
roast, and the soup — I will be inconsolable if our first dinner — 
I must run into the kitchen ! My dear uncle will you watch at 
the window and call me as soon as you see Henry coming? 

[EXIT L. 

Uncle {drawing a deep hreath). Ah — At last I can put in 



ENTER quickly Henry r., wearing hat and coat, with cane in 
hand and documents under arm. 

Henry. Here I am! Good-day, uncle. Where is my wife? 
In the kitchen? 

Uncle. Yes. She 

Henry. Has been waiting for me all this time, I'm sorry, 
but I couldn't get here sooner. 

Uncle. She 

Henry. Is a trifle angry? I hope not. 

Uncle. She has 

Henry. Been anxious about me? Oh, and I was anxious 
about her! {Calls) Elsie— Elsie! 

ENTER Elsie l., rushing into Henry's arms. 

Elsie. Henry! You are here at last, you dear, horrible 
man ! How could you keep me waiting so long, and on the 
first day of our marriage. Do you think that is right? Really, 
I am very angry. 

Henry {laughing). Oh, come, you are not going to be 
angry so soon, why we have been married only twenty-four 
hours ! 

Elsie {laughing).' You know very well that I never do get 
angry — but I must make believe I am once in a while. 

Henry. Oh, you villain! {Tries to embrace her, hut the 
cane and documents hinder him) 

Elsie {laughing). You can't even put your arms around 
me. {Takes hat in right hand, and cane in left) Let me have 
your hat and cane and throw down the documents, then you 
can embrace me. 

Henry. The documents? {Drops them on floor) Now I am 



A Matrimonial Tiff ^ 

free — {Looking at her hands) but now you cannot embrace me. 

Elsie. Indeed I can. {Puts hat on her own head and drops 
the cane) Now! 

Henby {embracing her). My dear Elsie. 

Elsie. My dearest Henry! (Uncle picks up the docu- 
ments and cane, kneeling directly in front of Elsie and Henby 
as they embrace) 

Henby {looking down at uncle). Haven't I the dearest wife? 

Uncle {nodding). Hm ! 

Elsie {looking down at uncle). Isn't my Henry the best 
husband? 

Uncle {nodding). Hm ! 

Elsie {laughing). Isn't this a pretty group? 

Henby {laughing). A scene for the Gods. 

Elsie. You are Mars. 

Henby. And you, Venus. 

Elsie and Henby {pointing to uncle, who is still kneeling). 
At our feet, Cupid. 

Uncle. Oh ! 

Elsie. No, were you going to say? You are an out and 
out Cupid, only just a little too old and Henry's cane is the 
bow. 

Henby. The documents represent the quiver, only the 
bandage is missing. 

Elsie {quickly takes hat off, putting it on uncle, so as to 
hide his eyes). There you are, Cupid is complete. 

Henby {to uncle). Haven't I a jolly wife? 

Uncle {still kneeling, sighing). Hm! 

Elsie {laughing). Do get up, uncle. 

Uncle {tries to get up but cannot). I can 

Elsie. Cannot get up alone? Oh, you poor uncle! 

Henby and Elsie {help him). Come. 

Uncle {sighing). It is 

Henby. A long time since last you knelt, yes, I'm positive 
of that, my dear uncle. 

Elsie {encouragingly). You must be rewarded for this. 

Henby. By my wife's first dinner. 

Elsie. Who knows, it may not taste good. 

Henby. Who could doubt that? I know you have better 
taste than anyone else in the neighborhood. 

Elsie. Really? 

Henby. Certainly! {Patting his chest) Didn't you marry 
me? 

Elsie. Oh, you conceited boy ! 



8 



A Matrimonial Tiff 



Henky. Come, hurry dear and serve dinner, I am dreadfully 
hungry. 

Elsie. Your own fault. Why did you stay so long? 

Henry. Couldn't get here sooner, my angel. Business of 
state, we had an extra session, so we had lots to do. 

Elsie. That isn't any excuse for staying so long. You 
should have said to the judge "My dear Judge, let us hurry 
and finish, I have no time to spare, my wife is waiting dinner 
for me." Had you said this to him in a nice way he never 
would have called for an unnecessary session. 

Henry. My dear child, the state does not bother about the 
personal affairs of its employees. 

Elsie. But the state should, especially if the people are 
hungry. Everybody must eat and drink, and furthermore, 
Henry, if my dinner is spoiled it is the state's fault and I 
will sue for damages. Now I will get the dinner. [EXIT l. 

Henry {happily). Isn't she the dear, jolly little wife! 
Uncle, you haven't any idea how much I love her. Anything 
she wants shall be done. Why do you stand there and hold 
my hat and cane and documents? Why don't you make your- 
self* comfortable, put them down. 

Uncle. I don't 

Henry. Know how to start in? Wait a moment, I will 
help you. {Takes hat, cane and documents from uncle and 
places them on table) There, now you are released from your 
burden. 

Elsie {calling outside). Open the door, open the door, the 
soup is coming. 

Henry {goes and opens door for Elsie). The soup! Uncle, 
the soup! 

Uncle {delighted). The soup! {Goes to tahle and fastens 
napkin in vest) 

ENTER Elsie l., carrying soup tureen. 

Elsie. Good heavens, this is hot! {Places soup tureen on 
table) I'll hurry to put this on the table. 

Henry. But, my dear, why didn't you let the maid bring 
it in? 

Elsie. Indeed! Am I not the housewife? And you know, 
you should enjoy your meal, so much more if I serve you. 

Henry. Yes, that is true. {To uncle) A dandy wife, hey? 

Uncle {nodding). Hm ! 

Elsie {taking off apron). Now be seated at the table, 



A Matrimonial TifE g 

uncle at the left, Henry at the right, and I'll sit in the mid- 
dle. (All sit) 

Henry. Yes, in the middle, the brightest diamond in the 
crown. 

Elsie (serving soup). The diamond is thankful to her 
crown. (Giving Henry a plate of soup) 

Henry (taking the plate). Thank you. 

Elsie. You don't feel slighted, uncle, that I serve Henry 
first. As head of 

Uncle (nodding). Hm! 

Henry. Heavens! Is that nudel soup? (Uncle looks long- 
ingly into soup tureen) 

Elsie. Certainly, your favorite dish. 

Henry. Oh, you angel! 

Elsie (giving uncle a plate of soup). Here, uncle. 

Henry. Isn't this fine? Isn't Elsie attentive? 

Uncle. Hm ! 

Henry. Nudel soup. Really you are the very best of wives. 

Elsie (ivho has also taken a plate of soup, laughing). Just 
because I made nudel soup. 

Henry. Honestly, not for that only. (Eating) Uncle, isn't 
this soup delicious? 

Elsie. Is it good? 

Henry. Excellent. You should be rewarded for this. 

Elsie. Even for soup? Oh, I'm so happy ! 

Henry. Oh, and so am I ! 

Elsie. Our life will be heaven on earth, won't it? 

Henry. Certainly ! 

Elsie. You will love me forever. 

Henry. And still longer than that. (Eating) 

Elsie. And will you always be true to me? 

Henry (looking lovingly at her). That is understood. 

Elsie. A quarrel will never disturb our peace. 

Henry. Never! 

Elsie (leans over table to embrace Henry, and in doing so 
upsets the salt cellar) My dear Henry. (Sees the salt cellar 
and screams) Oh, good heavens! 

Henry (jumps up). What is the trouble, Elsie? (uncle, 
frightened, rises and goes to Elsie) 

Elsie (shaking). That is my death. 

Henry (sympathetically). Don't talk like that, my dear 
girl. Why, you are as pale as death. 

Elsie (very much frightened) That — oh — my dear Henry — 
Qh— can't you see — the salt cellar — I upset the salt cellar. 



}Q A Matrimonial Tiff 

Henby. The salt cellar? Well, if it isn't anything more 
than that — (Sits at table again. Uncle repeating the words 
" // it isn't anything more " in pantomime^ sits at table and 
goes on eating) 

Elsie {very sad). That is enough, Henry, more than enough. 

Henry (lavghing). According to the way you screamed I 
thought a snake had bitten you. 

Elsie {almost crying). Laugh, you can afford to laugh. 
{Looking at salt cellar) There it lies — {Putting hands to 
head) my, how could I be so careless? 

Henby {coaxingly). My dear child, on account of a salt 
cellar. {With a knife, replaces salt) 

Elsie {rising). But my dear Henry, that is the worst luck 
that can happen to any woman. It means quarreling, you 
will see, and then I shall cry. 

Henby {laughing). Oh, nonsense, come, sit down and eat. 

Elsie {sitting down, very mournfully). But 

Henby {merrily). A salt cellar is to disturb our peace. 
How foolish ! Come, take it as a joke, ha, ha ! Laugh it off, 
ha, ha ! 

Elsie. Yes. {A forced laugh) Ha, ha, ha — I am laughing, 
but it does not come from the heart. My mother always told 
me that if one upsets a salt cellar, they will have a quarrel- 
some married life. 

Henby. Your mother was only joking, my dear Elsie. 

Elsie. No, my dear Henry, mother never joked about any- 
thing that was serious. 

Henby. Very well, we'll not talk about it any more. Come 
and eat, my dear. Why, your soup must be cold by this time, 
wait, let me replenish your plate with some that is warm. 
{Takes her plate) 

Elsie {teasing). Take care so that you also do not upset 
the salt cellar. 

Henby {merrily, as he replenishes Elsie's plate). Don't 
worry I'm not so clumsy. 

Elsie {looking at him in surprise). Clumsy! 

Henby {putting plate in Elsie's place). Here, my dear. 

Uncle {handing Henby his plate). I 

Henby. Would like more soup? Let me have your plate. 

Elsie. That is my duty. {Takes uncle's plate and refills it) 
I will not let you take it from me. 

Henby {laughing). Shall I take the salt cellar away first? 

Elsie. Go on, make fun of me, that is just like a man. 

Henby. I'm only teasing you, my dear. (During the follow- 



A Matrimonial Tiff H 

ing, he acta his part in pantomime and continues eating and re- 
filling his soup plate) 

Elsie. Very untimely. Ever since the first salt cellar was 
made it has been said that when a salt cellar is upset 

Henry. The salt falls out. 

Elsie (slightly angry). No, there will be a quarrel. 

Henry. Calm yourself, my dear, and let us eat. 

Elsie (sighing) Oh, yes, eat! (Takes up spoon and puts it 
down again) I cannot. 

Henry (about to put spoon to his mouth). Why not? 

Elsie (dejectedly). Laugh if you will, but I simply cannot 
forget that salt cellar. 

Henry (laughing). Do as I do, swallow it. 

Elsie. It would be perfectly dreadful, my dear Henry, If 
we quarreled on the first day of our married life. 

Henry (encouragingly). Do not fear, my angel, it could 
not happen. We love each other too much, there could be no 
quarrel between us. (Laughing) Why, a sheep couldn't have 
more patience than I have, and you are 

Elsie. A sheep! 

Henry. My dear little lamb. (Tries to take her hand) 

Elsie (draws her hand hack). Don't! (A forced laugh) I 
must indeed — be as meek as a lamb, because when you spoke 
so thoughtlessly before, I kept quiet. 

Henry. Perfectly quiet. 

Elsie. I didn't even get angry. 

Henry. You had no cause to. The thoughtlessness— was on 
my part. Come, eat, my dear — believe me, the story of the 
salt cellar is a joke, nothing more. 

Elsie (quickly). No, Henry, I object to that. It is no 
joke. My mother found out from experience that every time 
a salt cellar was upset, there would surely be a quarrel. 

Henry. My dear Elsie, that was only chance. 

Elsie (hastily). There is no such thing as chance. Every- 
thing is fate. 

Henry (gently). My dear child, stop all this nonsense, and 
eat. 

Ulste (unwillingly). Nonsense! That remark is entirely out 
of place, Henry. 

Henry. My dear, I only mean 

Elsie. I don't need any explanation. I am a goose, I'm 
too stupid for you. 

Henry (angrily, putting spoon down). No, Elsie, you, you 
are simply unbearable. 



j^ A Matrimonial Tiff 

Elsie. Unbearable! Thank you, Henry. Yes, the salt 
cellar! Didn't I tell you? The salt cellar? 

Henry {becoming excited, rises, but remains standing at 
table). You must keep still about that salt cellar. 

Elsie (jumps up, remaining standing at her place). I don't 
have to. 

Henry. But I want you to, my child. 

Elsie. And I won't, my angel. 

Henry (angrily). Didn't the minister say yesterday that 
I was your master? 

Elsie. He said nothing of the kind. I was very attentive. 

Henry. Then he forgot to say it. 

Elsie. No, it is no longer fashionable. We women want 
freedom, and I am not afraid even if you dictate to me in this 
manner. 

Henry. Are you the quiet, gentle Elsie? 

Elsie. And are you the good, gentle Henry? 

Henry (angrily). Yes, I am. 

Elsie. So am I. But my mother always said, when a salt 
cellar is upset 

Henry (very angrily, taking water bottle ivithout knowing 
it). Good Heavens, do you intend to destroy our happiness? 
My child, your mother is a superstitious woman. 

Elsie. She is not, my angel. 

Henry. A country woman. 

Elsie (outrageously). Indeed not. 

Henry. I say, yes! (Noisily thumps water bottle on table) 

"Elsie (screaming). Oh, oh! (Leaves table. Goes up stage) 

Uncle (jumps up, but remains motionless at table). Oh, 
you— — 

Henry (walking up and down in front of table). Why, it's 
enough to turn a lamb into a tiger. 

Elsie, (up stage). The salt cellar! The salt cellar! 

Henry (standing still). Good Heavens! I wish there never 
had been such things as salt or salt cellars in the whole world. 
(Resumes walking) 

Elsie (comes down stage and also walks up and down). 
Such conduct is unbearable. And married but yesterday. 

Henry. Yes, yesterday a paradise! 

Elsie. And to-day a hades! 

Henry. Yesterday, an angel ! 

Elsie. Yes, and to-day a devil! 

Henry (hands to his head). Wasn't I a blockhead! 

Elsie (hands to her head). Fool that I was, to be trapped 



A Matrimonial Tiff j^ 

like that. {They meet at center of stage, both remain standing) 

Henry {to Elsie). Serves me right. Why did I bind my- 
self to such a superstitious person? 

Elsie {to Henry). Tliese are the consequences when one 
marries an unrefined man. {Both resume tcalking) 

Henry. Oh ! You do not know what you are saying, 
madam. 

Elsie. You'll never learn the manners of refinement in 
living, Mr. Government Clerk ! 

Henry {follotving Elsie). You are 

Elsie {turning quickly). No, but that's what you are. 

Henry. You are a 

Elsie. And you are a Nero ! 

Henry. And who forced me to be one? 

Elsie. And me? 

Henry and Elsie. You, and you alone, you! 

Henry {coming forward angrily, to audience). I ask every 
man in the world, every married man, every bachelor, every 
old man, and every young man whether I have not been 
forced to this quarrel? Didn't I listen to everything patiently? 
But it is impossible to keep still when a burning match is 
continually stuck under one's nose. 

Elsie {also coming forivard, quickly and angrily). And 1 
ask all the women, girls, widows and orphans if I am not the 
gentlest, friendliest, most backward and quietest among wo- 
men? {Addresses the ladies in the audience) You have heard 
everything and you are the best witnesses. Answer for your- 
selves, could there be a more gentle woman than I? Didn't he 
anger me by talking back? Didn't he insult me? {In a cry- 
ing tone) And wasn't I perfectly quiet? Didn't I swallow 
everything? Can I help it if we quarrel after a salt cellar has 
been upset 

Henry {very loud). I want to hear no more of this salt 
cellar. {Stamping foot) Thunder! 

Elsie {screams, goes l.). Oh, this is my death! {Sinks in 
chair) I am dying 

Henry {sinks also in another chair). And I am dead. 

Elsie {sitting upright). You brute! {Sinks hack) 

Henry {sitting upright). You tyrant! {Sinks back) 

Pause. 

Uncle {who has stood in astonishment and loatched both, 
comes down c, looking at Henry and Elsie). A blessed meal! 

[EXIT L. 



J . A Matrimonial TifP 

Elsie (softly). A blessed meal! 

Henry (aside). A blessed meal! (Moving about in chair) 
Such a scene! But such things can only happen to me, a 
government clerk. Oh, madam, you have torn your mask off 
too soon! I can see now that yoii have been acting. (Rises) 
How can a man be sure of a woman? Oh, I could jump out of 
my skin! (Goes to window and looks out) 

Elsie. It would be useless to argue with you any more. I 
can't repeat all your tender speeches, I'm only a weak woman. 
(Between sohs) I never expected such treatment from you. 
But that's what happens when anybody trusts a man blindly. 
Men are all monsters. (Sobbing louder) When they are 
courting, they promise everything — promise to make life a 
par — paradise — no cloud is to darken life — and then — right 
after the wedding — all that remains of the paradise — is the 
snake — the least trifle will cause him to lose his temper — and 
when a salt cellar is upset 

Henry. Salt cellar! (In his annoyance he begins to sing 
and beats time on the ivindow-pane) 

Elsie. Oh, yes, sing — keep on singing, while I weep bitter 
tears. (Crying) You are a brute — you have betrayed me — a 
poor innocent lamb — Oh, God ! I can stand it no longer. 
(Sinks with elboivs on table and covers face with hands and 
handkerchief, crying) 

Pause. 

Henry (remains at window, but keeps on looking back at 
Elsie). She is crying — and crying hard — perhaps I have 
done wrong. (Takes a step toward Elsie) I suppose I have 
been harsh — no, not at all — I will remain firm — I have nothing 
to regret. (Sits in armchair at windoiv) Who could have 
thought it? I was so happy when I came home — and the 
nudel soup — and everything else harmonized — and now? 
(Drops head in hands, thinking) 

Elsie (raising her head, looking at Henry). He seems to be 
thinking — perhaps he sees his mistake 

Henry (looking toward Elsie). I will 

Elsie (quickly lowering head and crying). Oh, Heavens! 
Oh, Heavens ! 

Henry. Her crying is heartbreaking. 

Elsie (slyly looking back and forth at Henry without his 
noting it, then loud enough for Henry to hear). Oh, now I 
suppose I'll be getting a headache. 

Henry (rising). Headache? All right. (Sits again in 



A Matrimonial Tiff je 

chair) I can't give in. If I give in the first time, I'll have to 
do it all my life. (Looks totcard windoiv) 

Elsie (aside). Is he hard of heating? (Looks slyly at 
Henry) He is thinking — perhaps he is sorry that he annoyed 
me — perhaps I had better — (Turns around quickly) But no, 
never, I must not be so weak, if I give in, I know he will al- 
ways want me to give in. 

Henry (looking slyly at Elsie). If she doesn't come, I cer- 
tainly won't go to her. 

Elsie (looking slyly at Henry). If he remains seated, I cer- 
tainly won't get up. 

Henry (thumping on windoiv-sill) . I can't give in, I must 
show that I am a man. 

Elsie (thumping on tahle). I can stay here, I must show 
that I am the lady of the house. (Sobbing loudly) Oh — oh! 

Henry. I must overcome this music — I guess I'll read. 
(Takes newspaper. Aloud) politics, that will suit me. (Holds 
up paper in both hands and reads) — 

Elsie (looking toward Henry). I do believe he is going to 
read. Oh, I can do that, too. (Takes book from table) 

Henry (reading). Foreign and local news. 

Elsie (reading). Extracts from famous authors. 

Henry (turning toward Elsie). Really, she is not coming. 
(Turns back) 

Elsie (turning toward Henry). Honestly, he is remaining 
seated. (Turns back) 

Henry (reading aloud). "David Goldstein has been elected 
president of the bank." 

Elsie (reading aloud). "Everything can be purchased, ex- 
cept true love." 

Henry. " Manager Johnson has made a great success in his 
new play." 

Elsie. " Memory is the only paradise out of which we can- 
not be driven." 

Henry. " Germany " 

Flsbe (reads poetry) 

Henry. " Two more editors have been arrested." 

Elsie (reads poetry) 

Henry. "The law firm of Ketcham and Cheatham has been 
dissolved. The proprietors have gone abroad." 

Elsie (again reads poetry) 

Henry. If the house passes the bill— (Aside) If they put 
more duty on — (Throwing down paper) Enough of this! 

Elsie (putting book aivay). I don't care to read any. more. 



i6 



A Matrimonial Tiff 



Henry (sigJiing loudly). Oh! (Turning to Elsie) What? 

Elsie (turning toivard Heney). How? 

Elsie and Henry (hoth looking aumy). Nothing! 

Henry (aside). She is looking around 

Elsie (aside). He seems to want to give in. 
Henry (aside). Now I guess she is coming over. 
Elsie (aside). Now he will probably iall at my feet and 
admit that he is wrong. 

Pause. 

Elsie (sneezing). Atchi! 

Henry (softly) God bless you. 

Elsie (snappy). Thank you. 

Henry (aside). If she would only give me one friendly 
glance I would give in right away. 

Elsie (aside). If he would only say one kind word to me, 
I would be willing to make up. 

Henry (aside). She seems to be very stubborn. 

Elsie (aside). He seems to be thick-headed through and 
through. 

Henby and Elsie. Can't we be mistaken in people? 

Pause. 

Henry (turns completely around and faces Elsie). Yes, yes. 

Elsie (looks at Henry). Ah, ha, at last he will begin. 
(Turns quickly from him) 

Henry. She looked at me. (Elsie goes to window, looks out, 
and nods. Henry remains seated Mt stretches to see to whom 
Elsie nodded) Well, what is it? 

Elsie. Nothing, nothing at all. 

Henry. But you nodded, you were greeting some one. 

Elsie (lightly). Yes, I saw Mr. Brand passing. 

Henry (getting up quickly). The boarder? 

Elsie. Of course. He bowed and I had to return it. 

Henry. I object to that. 

Elsie. You may, if you care to. 

Henry. It isn't necessary for you to greet everybody. It 
reflects on a young woman. (Elsie turns around facing 
Henry) Elsie. 

Elsie (tvhispering) . Well? 

Henry. Don't you think we are acting very childishly? 

Elsie. I'm not. 

Henry (tenderly and slowly). Come to me. 



A Matrimonial Tiff ^^ 

Elsie. Oh, no, you come to me. 

Henky. But I didn't start 

Elsie (quickly). Neither did I. The salt 

Henry. I beg you not to fall into the salt cellar again. 
Come 

Elsie. No. 

Henry. Do. Just one step. I cannot. 

Elsie. I can do it still less. It is the man's place to set 
the woman a good example. 

Henry. Well, then we will each go half way. 

Elsie. I have no objections to anything that is fair. (Both 
walk to center of stage and face each other. Henry tries to 
take Elsie's hand, lut she draws it lack) 

Henry (tenderly). Elsie. 

Elsie (ivithout taking notice). What is it? 

Henry. Only look at me. 

Elsie (looking up at him). Well? 

Henry. Not so seriously, can't you smile, just the least little 
bit? (Taking her hand) There, you are laughing already. 

Elsie (laughing, taking his hand). You are a fool. 

Henry. And you are my dear, dear little fool. (Kneels at 
her feet) 

Elsie (satisfied). That is right, my dear Henry, that you 
should admit your wrong and get on your knees and beg my 
pardon. 

Henry (surprised). Admit my wrong? 

Elsie (offering him her hand). I forgive you. 

Henry. You forgive me? 

Elsie. From the bottom of my heart ! 

Henry. You are very kind. (Kissing her hand) But my 
dear wife, will you please tell me of what I am guilty. 

Elsie. No, no, my dear Henry, you are not. I only said that 
when a salt 

Henry. Enough, enough. You are right, I am the guilty one. 
(Aside to audience) Gentlemen, I am only a man like the rest 
of you. (Aloud to Elsie) And now are you satisfied? 

Elsie. Perfectly! (Aside to audience) Ladies, I am only 
a woman like all of you ! 

Henry. And everything is forgiven and forgotten? 

Elsie. Everything. 

Henry (embracing Elsie). Victory! Then everything is as 
before, my dear, and we will never quarrel again. 

Elsie (tenderly). Never, never, my dear Henry. But I 
wasn't the cause of to-day's quarrel, the salt cellar ups 



jg A Matrimonial Tiflf 

Henry (trying to laugh). Yes, yes, I know. But tell me, 
dear, what has happened to your uncle? 

Elsie. I really don't know. 

Henry. It seems he has gone. 

Elsie. I hope he didn't hear us quarrel. 

Henry. Heaven forbid ! Why, we didn't speak loudly. 
(Henry goes to door r., Elsie to door l.) 

Henry and Elsie. Uncle ! Uncle ! 

Henry {opens door r.). He is not here. 

Elsie {opens door l., and looks out). There he is in the 
kitchen with the roast in front of him. {Calling) Come, uncle, 
come! 

Henry {crosses to l. and calls uncle). This way, uncle, this 
way with the roast. Everything is over {Taking Elsie by 
hand and skipping about) and we are happy. 

Elsie. Perfectly happy. My dear Henry, do me a favor and 
let us look out of the window together. 

Henry. But why, my dear? 

Elsie. So that all our neighbors will be surprised at our 
happiness. {Opens window) Come, Henry. 

Henry {going to luindoiv). With the greatest pleasure. 
{Both look out of window, talking) 

ENTER, Uncle, l., carrying a roast on dish. 

Uncle {putting dish on table). Is everything 

Henry {turning head toward uncle). All right again? 
Everything, as you see. 

Elsie {also looking around toivard uncle). And I must let 
you know, uncle, I was right. {Again looks out of window) 

Uncle {nodding). Hm ! 

Henry {to uncle). A woman is always right. 

Uncle. Hm ! But what are you do 

Elsie {both are now standing at icindow). Doing at the 
window? Why, we are letting the neighbors see how perfectly 
happy we are. 

Uncle. Oh, I see — {Qoes quickly forward to center of stage) 
Thank goodness! Then at last I may be able to put in a few 
words, and — {Quick curtain, so that uncle's sentence is cut 
short) 



A DOCTOR BY COURTESY 

A Farce in Three Acts, by Ullie Akerstrom 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

CHARACTERS 

Dr. Jos. Sly, a physician ( ?) Light Comedy 

Henri Duval, a French merchant Character 

Chas. Jenkins, Sly's father-in-law ..Comedy old man 

Freddie West, a dude Character 

Michael, a hallboy Irish character 

Policeman, one of the finest. 

Florette Duval, Duval's Wife Lead 

Emily Sly, Sly's Wife juvenile 

Martha Jenkins, Jenkins's wife Old woman 

Ida Gaygirl, of the ballet Soubrette 

Gretchen, Florette's maid servant Character 

Two Interior Scenes. — Time of Representation — Two hours. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Sitting-room in Sly's office. Mr. Jenkins resorts to heroitf 
measures to boom his son-in-law's medical practice. Two women prepare S 
trap. Old associates draw Sly into folly. Clouds begin to gather. 

Act II. — Room in the house of Monsieur Duval. Florette's physiciaif 
(by proxy) arrives. A startling prescription. Matters become worse and 
worse. A jealous husband and three doctors (?). 

Act III. — Same as Act I. The "green-eyed monster" appears in the 
Sly family. The story of a scratched face and a shower-bath. Explana' 
tions restore harmony, and Dr. (?) Sly retires from active work. 



COLLEGE CHUMS 

A COMEDY OF COLLEGE LIFE IN THREE ACTS. BY ANTHONY E. WILLS 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A realistic sketch of College life and its influence. Wallace, an in- 
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out. 

CHARACTERS 

Franklyn Risley, Dean of the University .Character 

Friederich von Weber, Professor of German Character 

Wallace Findlay, "The Babe" Lead 

Howard Thorne, "The Bully" Heavy 

Arthur Kingsbury, Capt. of College Team Straight 

Paul Dinsmore, a Sophomore Straight 

Clifford Paige, manager of College Team Straight 

John Findlay, Wallace's father Character 

Alec, an old colored attendant Character 

Mrs. Almira Dinsmore, Paul's mother Old Lady 

Grace Dinsmore, her daughter Lead 

Toby Sprague, the watchman's daughter Ingenue 

Oke Interior Stage-setting. — Time of Representation — Two houre. 



PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE 

A Comedy in Three Ads, hy Frank H, Bernard 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

CHARACTERS 
Philip Morningside, a promising New York Attorney. 
Major Philander Mumfo'rd, a Veteran of '6i, 
Pierre Marquette, of Paris and New York. 

Patrick Mooney, M. P., Secretary of the Home Rule Association. 
Feter Martin, a timid young man with a desire to be "sporty." 
Paul Marvel, a private detective. 

Phyllis Morningside, Pliilip's up-to-date wife with ambitions. 
Phoebe Martingale, has been a widow on four occasions. 
Penelope Mumford, a veritable "butter-in" at all times. 
Patrice Mumford, her only child. She has just "come out." 
Angela ) 

Alice V Trio of Vassar "bright lights." 
Amy ) 

Pansy, a housemaid of the "fresh" variety. 
Patience, who also assumes "domestic" affairs. 

Two Scenes, One Interior and One Exterior. 
Time of Representation — Two hours. 
Phyllis, wife of I'hilip, is to inherit the fortune of a deceased East 
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THE RED ROSETTE, 

A WESTERN DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY GORDON V. .MAY 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A typical drama of the Far West. The Major in command of a military 
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CHARACTERS 

Major Philander Braggs, who owns one rosette Character 

Miss Ophelia Skidder, who owns the opposite rosette Old Lady 

Lieut. Philip Manley, who gets the Major's rosette Lead 

Clare Brooks, who gets the other rosette Lead 

Robert Ruth van, who gets into trouble Heavy 

Dandy Davis, who gets his deserts Heavy 

Tom Scott, Sheriff, who gets his man Straight 

Pop Bowley, who gets some boarders Straight 

Kitty Bowley, who gets Tom Scott Ingenue 

Three Scenes, Two Interior and One Exterior. 
Time of Representation — Two hours. 



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FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

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COMEDIES AN m^"'' "^ congress 

BREAK™GHISB0ND8. 4A /fffiH 

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DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 

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MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 G 

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NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hours 5 4 

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